shelby shelby shelby

i ran my second 5k this morning.     my very first 5k was a few weeks ago on apr 21 and i ran that in 32:26.   what follows are my musings about the race.  

 i went into the race today with the goal of having fun, as prescribed by so many wise people.   and i actually did have fun.  al went with to cheer me on and take photos and vids for posterity.   every kilometer or so there he was with a beaming smile and hands a clappin and camera a snappin.   it was energizing for sure.

also, i was given fab advice by mike s from the wildflower s family.   they have a fancy door.   and he's a runner.   he suggested i say 'thank you' and give a smile to each volunteer i saw on the road.   even when i felt really tired i forced myself to say 'thanks' and wave.   at this 5k, almost all of the volunteers were police officers in uniform.   every turn i made, cop.   cop cop cop.   i felt plenty protected.   and hopefully they felt plenty thanked.    all my thanking, my waving, and then the stern looks that turned into surprised smiles from the cops  helped keep my mind off the running and like mike and a fellow livestrong.commer says, smilers finish faster!  

i had the lake as backdrop the whole race.  that was pretty, though the haze and misty rain prevented me from taking in it's full beauty i'm sure.  no matter, i had my visor on to keep my eyes clear and dry, once again mike s to the rescue.

but even mike, who seems to know EVERYTHING about running, could not prepare me for the tears that would come at the pre-race festivities.  the race proceeds benefit special olympics minnesota.   shelby was there to tell all the runners (i have attached a number to my shirt so now i'm included in this group) what competing in sports means to him.   he told us what athletic competitions do for his self esteem, his well being, and his spirit.  he rattled off all of his awards and places in his events.  shelby gave us a short history lesson about how the special olympics began and stressed the importance that they continue for many years to come.

he told us all these awesome things by using a dynavox voice output device, as shelby explained that he has autism and isn't able to speak using his voice.   but just like every other person on the planet, he has plenty to say.   so he uses his dynavox to talk.   his mother stood proudly next to shelby as he gave his speech.  i couldn't take my eyes off either of them and could have listened to him talk all day.

shelby smiled often but at one point he wasn't, and his kind mom turned and smiled at him and whispered 'smile'.   he immediately showed his pearly whites and looked up at me.   i had made a ton of eye contact with shelby and his mom during his talk in my near frantic effort to soak up every feeling they wanted us to feel.   i made sure my face showed how appreciative i was that they came to tell us about special olympics.

and when shelby smiled that big smile, and looked right at me,  it was at that very moment that i fell in love with running.

you see, during a run i usually spend a fair amount of time thinking about how lucky i am that i CAN run,  that my body and mind works together to coordinate in order for me to run.  i know how that ability can change in an instant and i see it every day in my own family.   but mostly, while i'm running my overriding thoughts are about how hard it is, about how much i don't like it, about how much i want to stop running and just walk.  i have this inner voice telling me 'no one will know if i stop, i don't even like doing this, quit being a poseur'.     i run four times per week so that kinda sucks to have this voice chanting at me that i'm barking up a ridiculous tree thinking i am a runner.

but shelby helped me shut that voice off.  i didn't hear it in today's run. for the first time that voice shut the hell up.  instead, while i was running today, i was saying to myself  "I am awesome!  I am awesome!   I am awesome!"

 shelby's speech moved me to tears and a feeling of sheer joy that special olympics are alive and strong.   i am grateful that i heard him speak today.   i thank you, shelby, for giving me the confidence i needed to change from a poseur to a runner.

the other thing that got me moving faster was weird and not planned.  i usually run 4 miles or 3 miles and set my ipod workout program to custom and punch in the miles and i'm off.    the lovely female unbiased ipod voice tells me my pace every so often.  "2 miles completed.  pace is 10:55 per mile."... something like that.  i use this key information to either run faster or slower depending on how fast i want my training run to be that day.

today, i set my ipod to the stock-choice '5k'.   when i pushed the button around the 1k mark to check my pace it said "8:33 pace"  so i slowed down a tiny, thinking 'simmer down girlie you don't want to wear yourself out on the first k'  but i didn't really feel like i was running faster than i should be running and i was keeping beat with my playlist that i painstakingly selected to shoot for a 30 minute 5k.

  then around 3k i hit the button and it said i had a "12:44" pace.     what!??!?!??!?   i hadn't slowed THAT much.  i was so confused and so bummed that i was running a way slower 5k than i knew i was capable of.   i had already ran it in 32:26.   i said fuck it and  i sped up and refused to check the pace again.  

i prepared myself to see a sub-par time as i kicked it in near the end.  i didn't have much energy left for kicking though, which again, seemed so strange since i was running 12 minute miles according to my ipod.

as i passed the finish line the official time read 27:28 and i couldn't believe it.   i was so thrilled!  i checked the total time on my ipod and it matched the race clock.   all was right with the world.   my pace for the race was 10:02.   i would have celebrated but i was out of breath and needed to keep walking lest i keel over.

there was NO WAY i was running 12 minute miles in that race.  i ran faster than ever so it's no wonder i had only an itty bitty baby kick at the end.    i figure the pace readings must be different for a custom mile verses a 5k selection on the ipod.

 i guess this tells me i have to learn how to 'feel' my pace, learn my body signals, run by instinct.     i thought i could count on electronics to do it for me.   good old instincts.  ipod got nothing on you, instincts.

but really, i don't give a rats ass at this point, since my confusion spurred me to run faster and now i have set a new bar for myself on 5k races.   never thought i could get under 30 min this soon.    i am new to running so i'm not sure just how significant shaving 5 minutes off my time is, but it seems to me like this must be super dee duper note worthy.   i've already notified runner's world magazine.

i'm a runner.  i am awesome!

this is immediately after the race, i'm so jazzed by my great time so i'm starting to tell al about my musings

then i realize i'm not ready to talk yet and need to keep walking to catch my breath

exhausted and happy, waiting for my turn at the porta potty to  take care of  some turtles

me want my internet cookies

due to a sucky modem failure, we've been freed from the shackles of WIFI at our house since friday.   on friday afternoon i rushed home from work to load a few apps to my ipad, but no internet connection.   say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

completed a few trouble shooting steps, nada.   'just keep breathing',  i kept telling myself.   breath in, breath out.   'it's going to be fine.  al will be home soon and he fixes near everything.   al to the rescue.'  

as i pounced on him walking in the door, i explained the problem.    after suggesting the couple trouble shooting steps i'd already tried, he declared 'late bill'.   i shuddered.

remember back a few blogs when i delayed and delayed doing the mail and the bills?  well i've never delayed so long before, and although i finally did get everything sent off (almost) on time, the bill for frontier was sent on a monday, due two days later, or risk being cut off.   gasp. 

al posited that our frontier was shut off and did not add "on account of your laziness", thus HE risk being cut off.    i knelt to the ground and shouted 'why me god?' and then remembered that frontier controls the dish network too.   it still worked.  praise be! 

al spent an hour on the phone with frontier dealing with our predicament.   they will send a new modem.   how soon?   2 day air.  knowing there are almost always glitches, i figured we were looking at a fortnight without internet. 

in through the nose, out through the mouth.   


short list of casualties and benefits from my wifi-less weekend:

• denied two ipad apps that were only free on friday to honor autism awareness month.  boo.
• discovered that, when i'm forced to, i count calories very well on my own now after using livestrong.com calculators for 4 months. yay.
• played farkle with my kids and paid more attention to them.  yay.
• hadn't a clue what was happening in people's lives since i had no facebook and i forgot how to talk to people face to face.  boo.
• read a book, got a bit of a start on it anyway, since i was paying so much attention to my kids.   an 'everything' guide to running.   yay.
• got at least 2 hours more sleep than usual since i had no livestrong.com forums to peruse for fitness tips or nutrition blurbs.   yay.
• had no livestrong.com forums to peruse to keep my health and fitness candles burning brightly.   boo.
• went to a sunday evening movie and laughed my butt of at a hilarious scene of two women having a heated argument using elmo and cookie monster voices.  yay.

survive without wifi   

although i did survive, and some might even say thrived, without my internet, i'm not happy about it.   can i bring a cot here to my office this week?

ramble on rose

rambling number one:

"some guys hate it when women fart, but personally, i like a little skunk in the trunk."  this was a tweet by rob delaney on twitter today.   if i weren't married to al, i'd be driving to twitter right now to find rob delaney and make him fall in love with me.   i would let farts all day and he would smell my farts all day and tell me how much he loved the skunk in my trunk.   i would swoon every time he said it.    he would feed me baked beans by the bowl full every night.   and then just wait around talking to me until they kicked in.

unfortunately he would have to leave his wife and kids, and since i am not in the business of home wrecking, i'll stick happily with my al.   but COME ON, i think rob delaney and i are meant to be together.   or at least i'm meant to read his tweets.  

rambling number two:

jinxing is still the best thing ever.   i find true elation in the moment of a spontaneous jinx.  being that in-tune in thought with another person is just plain rad.

rambling number three:

camping club.  getting an invitation to camping club today was my favorite moment of the day.  thinking ahead a few years to an empty nest and that al and i will once again go camping together, just the two of us, were the thoughts that consumed me while i skipped rope at bootcamp tonight.  

rambling number four:

i just threw away a candy cane shaped, half m & m filled, christmas present from four years ago.  it was on my book shelf for that long.  i just bit into one of the m & ms and the candy coating did not have the crisp crunch i expect.  it went bad.  surprising.  dollars to donuts i would have pegged m & ms to last forever.  certainly not get stale.  the chocolate was not right either.  lost some sweetness.   throw it out!

this is my new motto. throw it out!   the candy cane is in the garbage now.  i am having a hard time with this.    i'm just in the infancy stages of adopting this motto.   i am a pack rat of the worst kind.  i'm not 'hoarders' bad, but could easily careen out of control into hoarders direction without putting into action a new motto.   it is equally hard for me to throw away things as it is to save money.   bah humbug.





rambling number five:

my uniform in the late evening is pale pink hoody with hood up.    that candy cane is haunting me.  still.

bragging alert

pictured to the right is what i should be focusing on right now.  not CJ, but paying those bills and sorting through that mail.   i am about to shirk my duties yet again and opt instead to open a bottle of wine, play words with friends.  the house is quiet tonight, i'm planning to stay in, possibly get drunk.   good grief i hope i find the motivation for this mail stack tomorrow.  i know there are overdues in there.  it's not going to be pretty when i find the courage to sift through those papers.   i wasn't a bump on a log though today.  i got stuff done.  i did the dishes, three loads of laundry, made the bed and laid the papers out to haunt me.  i thought about scooping the cat poop but didn't get much further on that task yet.  

oh yeah, and i ran my very first 5k race!   this opposite-of-a-morning-person was up early for running.  my oldest son bert and i made it to the race on time.  he biked, i ran.  there were pitfalls and hilarity and pure unexpected what the fuck moments that i'm not detailing here (sorry running inspiration mike s from wildflower).

let's just say, that as my coach, bert was sure to keep my mind completely off of running, and squarely on him.   while i was in turns irritated and exhilarated during the race, on the drive home, all we did was laugh about our nutso morning.   i realized that bert's antics kept me from thinking about the race, thinking about my time.  and although i had to stop running several times to tend to him and a few times i used a boat load of negative energy to scream 'keep both hands on the steering wheel!', overall i ran the race faster than any other 5k training run in the last month.  so, coach, your devious comedy of errors worked to give me my first baseline 5k time which is my fastest time yet!  thank you bert!   pictured to the left is me with about 1 kilometer left to go.   i cannot even believe the luck of my friend snapping this shot.   i'm hovering above the path, in the air, smile on my face.   having this photo for posterity is rad.  thank you sd!   bert is behind me but i cropped him out to protect the innocent and annoying.

then, all of a sudden, this afternoon after a nap when i was refreshed... i had a wild hair.   i tried on my favorite pair of jeans of all time.  i stopped wearing them in 2006 when i could no longer hoist them up over my thighs.   i thought there was a slim chance i could wiggle into these jeans, but i knew for sure it would be close.  and close gives me the next bout of motivation needed to continue my quest for fitness and health. and more importantly, a kicking ass in jeans.   i was alone when i pulled them on.  good thing because i shrieked and yelped with delight for minutes.  THEY FIT.   shock and awe.   pictured here is me meeting a goal i set in january.  hell to the ya.


i really wish i would have put running a 5k on my bucket list.  someday i am going to have to actually write a bucket list.

gross just gross

i exercise now.  and now that i exercise i feel that i can make judgements about other people's choices.  judging is not the right thing to do, but once, just this once, i'm going to judge.  well, and other times i will judge too.  but not about exercise or diet again.   mostly about the way you parent.  

whiny, annoying kids are products of weak parenting.  so if your kid is making a ruckus all through my meal out at a restaurant and you don't contain it, it's judgement day.  very rarely do i drag out rolling dagger eyes, but that gets me close.

but this judgement is a seriously negative one about this wacky way i just saw on the internets that some women are using to shed 10-20 pounds before their wedding day, to fit into their dream wedding dress.

http://gma.yahoo.com/k-e-diet-brides-using-feeding-tubes-rapidly-080053646--abc-news-health.html

good god what is this world coming to?  drastic measures for 10 pounds of pure vanity.    you don't have time to exercise every day but you have the hours of time it must have taken for appointments and to be deemed a candidate, and to go through the process?    but you can't get out and walk for a half hour?  because you are too tired.  um ya.. you idiot.  that's because you only ingest 800 calories per day through your fricken nose by choice, and have zero energy.  gross just gross.  

shying away from judging others (only in small quantities) is not because i'm a really great and noble person who just lives and lets live.   i remain free from judging (most of the time) because i despise confrontation.    

i refrain from judging because it usually requires supporting evidence, further argument, rationale for my stance against whatever you are doing that i think is stupid.   and all that is not my cup of tea.   

i will pay whatever price tag you put on that piece-of-crap-to-you-treasure-to-me salt and pepper shaker that i want at your yard sale.   way over marked?  makes no nevermind to me.  if i decide to buy it, i've decided to pay the asked-for price.  i don't even like to be in the presence of a haggler in mid haggle.

i am married to one of these.  when he starts his approach to the card table where the rummage sale lady is sitting with her little portable radio,  i am so uncomfortable and start reddening in the face.  i quickly pretend i don't know him and turn to look at a velvet painting for sale.   

al's been kind enough to listen to my protests and pleadings about how much i dislike this whole charade.  i fear rejection so much that i can't even stand the thought of my loved one's low ball offer getting rejected at a yard sale.   but al's a good dude and now he forewarns me when he's digging out his five spot to pay for $12 worth of goods.  this gives me time to duck out to the car before he gets to the card table.  

as i'm slinking away to the vehicle, al's words ring in my ear.. "they want to get rid of it, or it wouldn't have a sticker on it.   it either goes home with me or they take it back in their house.   they'll take an offer."   and i know he's right.  they always take his offer or he accepts their counter, or they take his final offer.  yes, it goes that far sometimes.  he offers.  they counter.  he comes back.  they settle.  in a heartbeat i will take the hit on my pocketbook and pay the $7 difference rather than suffer through that back-and-forth.   

anyway.    fear of rejection  and confrontation are the main reasons i don't judge people (very often).  i suck at making arguments.    persuading someone to my way of thinking about a controversial issue, nah.  or even a few dollars off at a sale, nah.   persuading someone to join my volleyball team, sure.   i'm an opportunistic persuader. 

and most certainly, i'm an anti-adventurer of the highest order.  

 "gross just gross" is the extent of my argumentative capabilities.    i'm happy it takes all kinds.

  

blog-blockers

i neglected to tell you a few things about me.

one, i don't floss enough and now have a foul build up of fill in the minuscule space between my bottom middle teeth.

two, that i have all the basic addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division facts down pat, except that i have to count on my fingers for 7+5, 7+4, 8+4, and 8+5.

three, and most central to this particular blog, i get wrapped up in something and throw all my focus into it.   often to the detriment of the proper amount of energy spent on other tasks.  i don't know good balance.  

but i do a really really good job with the one thing on which i focus my time and energy.   so i certainly feel vindicated.

being hyperfocused in time and energy is what i do best.  finding balance in my interests is what i have yet to accomplish.   it's like all or nothing with me.   well that is about to change.

when i first started 'the greta list' i could not concentrate on anything else.  hour to hour i checked the stats.   4 people read my blog in the last 15 minutes!  i would do a backflip.   i got one new follower!  i would start brainstorming a thank you gift to send.   i was spending upwards of one and one half to two hours writing each night and loving every second of it.    in my usual fashion, i immersed myself in my utter enjoyment of writing this blog.  kids, life, and work be damned.  i have readers!!

but then i started feeling fat.   and so it began.  

the blog-blockers.  

first was livestrong.  this is where i turned when i decided to shed the 30 pounds i've packed on since the glory days of high school.  i became active in the livestrong forums, bantering, asking questions, bragging about my shrinkage.   i painstakingly measured every morsel i put in my mouth and counted every single calorie.  seeing the scale move down was fabulous, but my favorite part was the data, the record keeping, the charting.   i get my kicks keeping track of things.  

 and by became active, i mean became obsessed.  i replaced my month-long addiction to the greta list with livestrong.  being an active member of an online community and charting weight loss and exercise takes a lot of time.  i was so engrossed, i couldn't find the time to blog.  but i was getting my writing fix on the forums, so my needs were being met.   i'm hoping to find some loyalty to you in this process, and maybe just maybe, have reader needs shift up a notch in my thinking.

i cut a few pounds with the ole calories in/calories out technique and i guess i started to get too comfortable with the whole record keeping aspect because BAM next came blog-blocker part two.  

running.   say whaaa??  that's what i say to myself every time i'm lacing up my sneakers.     yes running.   running for exercise wasn't enough to keep my mind occupied though.   not enough data collection so i upped the ante and decided i had to run a 5k.   planning training runs, picking running loops, having the proper attire and footwear, keeping a running log.   good gravy i hit the jackpot.  i like entering the run stats into my running log nearly as much as the feeling when i complete a run.   eh, more actually.   i have seven columns in my running log.   DAY DISTANCE TIME COURSE NOTES: Heart Rate, Weather, Temperature, Mood   CALORIES BURNED     MUSIC.   and i consider this a cursory running log.   and my running log made me discover google documents.  

and who can forget:  taxes.

the weather.  it warmed up and was sunny in March, dandelions have been spotted.  normally i'm all too happy to sit on my ass in front of my laptop on livestrong, google documents, and reality steve.   but unseasonably warm weather made me take it to the streets.

children.   they always need something.   like my attention.  hugs.  food.  discipline.  a listening ear.  a kick in the pants.   it's always something with kids.   why can't they just be little adults?

i am going to strive for some semblance of balance.  i'm going to make an attempt to put the proper amount of attention on our newest craze - gardening.  i cannot let it overtake my other obsessions.  there must be a way.     kids, veggie patch, running, cutting, vitamin d.   the cold front that's here will take care of wanting to be outside at the moment.  and the greta list.

i'm back.  i'm going to shoot for a couple blogs a week.  a couple bushels of veggies a week.  a couple runs a week.  a couple hours of fun data collection per week.  a pound lost per week.   my ear and heart to my kids every day.

i love you bloggy blog.   i will find space for you in my free time.  even if it means, just a couple a hours of sleep per night.

LONG LIVE ROGER!

you know what fucking sucks?  pancreatic cancer fucking sucks.

you know what fucking sucks?  a kid who kills himself fucking sucks.

you know what fucking sucks?  a friend in a bad place fucking sucks.

this has been a two days of tragedy in my town, in my children's lives, and in my family.

i haven't even told my kids yet that their great uncle that they've been camping with, caught fish with, that they love, has died this morning.  there is too much other trauma all around us with a teenager from our area committing suicide.   and too much worry about a friend.   this all hits close to home too, and old wounds are rubbed raw.

my uncle roger passed this morning from pancreatic cancer and i have to hold it together so they don't fall apart.   being the adult is really really really hard.  but the people in this world with the toughest row to hoe now are carol and her and roger's kids.   roger was a swell guy.   a really swell guy.  having roger absent from their lives will be painful and devastating.  i ache for them.

i think that the unseasonably warm and pleasant weather was ordered up specially for roger.   roger is the quintessential outdoorsy guy-- built beautiful homes for a living, fished, camped, you name it, roger was outside doing it.      typically this time of year it's still cold, snowy, and icy, and everyone is so sick of winter we just can't stand it anymore.  but not this march.  warm temps, warm sun.   roger eked  out as much life as he could the last month while at home with his family and all his friends.  and he spent many days outside.  outside walking the lake or sunning on the deck in the fresh crisp warm air that he loved.

 we went to see rog last weekend and i told the kids 'no sad puppy dog faces', roger wants to laugh and have a good time and enjoy visiting.  and they were chatty and happy and laughy and we had a grand time and i was so incredibly proud of them.  we all joked around and had great last memories with roger.

case in point:   we noticed my awesome grandpa (92 years!) was drinking coffee from a black mug that said "over the hill and off the pill" on it.   and we were yucking it up so hard, unbeknownst to grandpa.  so for one of our pictures, we arranged grandpa in the photo, all of us huddled around roger, and sneakily made sure gramps had his mug turned just so!  lordy lordy lordy, what a vision!

my adorable auntie carol, on the right, is the most real person i know.  she likes a good fart, like me.  she tells it like it is, doesn't pull any punches, and she's a total hoot.  she loves everyone.   i love her very much.  her and roger's marriage is one that i hold in high regard and hope to have as happy of a marriage as roger and carol have had.   as carol would say- happy wife, happy life.   LONG LIVE ROGER!