moist lips required

a short list of things that bother me:

• hearing the word 'irregardless'.  it is 'regardless'.   please for the love of god, stop tacking on the 'ir'. when this is said out loud that person lops off 7 points from their iq.    there are many choices- by any means, anyway, at any rate, any which way, in one way or another, nevertheless, any which way.  take your pick.
  

• hearing the phrase 'shut up'- it was a swear word in my mom's house and i was not allowed to say it.   very rarely does 'shut up' ever come out of my own mouth and it is only in cases of expressing a sentiment akin to "no way, really?"   

• hearing the word 'hate'- a worse swear word could not be heard according to my mother.   to this day, when i hear someone say they hate someone or something it makes my skin crawl, like fingernails on a chalkboard.   but now we have SMART boards in classrooms.  you can no longer find a chalkboard.  and dragging fingernails across a SMART board has no ill effects on anyone's skin.  so let's see.   when i hear the word 'hate' i have a sting of worry.   i am concerned for the person the said it.  i am worried their hate is ticking off precious years from their life.   it's the most powerfully negative word to my system.  thanks mom.    

• anything in my pantaloons pockets besides lint.   i am horrified when a dude pulls a thick wallet out of his pocket.  this is doubled when it's lifted from a rear pocket.  how can men sit unevenly raised up with a fatty wallet on one cheek?   don't they constantly feel lopsided?   i can tolerate one thing in my pocket.  a very small, halvsy plastic contact case with a dollop of chappy in it.   and the chappy has to be at the tippy top inside corner of the pocket.   no money.   no coins.   coins!   there are people in this world that pay for a pack of gum by digging into their pants pocket and pulling out a palmful of coins.  then they count out the correct change for the purchase and stuff the remainder back into their pocket.   those are the people that confuse me the most. 

• having no chappy nearby.  i have an addiction to moistening (no, moisten doesn't bother me at all, but i think everyone knows someone that experiences a severe disturbance when they hear the word moist.   moist moist moist, i have no reaction.) my lips with aquaphor.  it's generally used for fixing up a rash on baby butts i believe.    it's an overpowering addiction that has only been tested by time infrequently.   i have chappy in pretty much every corner of my life to avoid the withdrawal symptoms.     because it is sold in larger tubs which gives me thousands of uses, i have a side business searching for perfect small containers and converting them into chappy containers.  i am my only customer.   aquaphor is now sold in chapstick sized containers, but i am disappointed to discover that there is something added to these, it is not true and good chappy.   i seem to need to use even more of it, more often.   so i'm treading lightly (only nod to the bachelor in this post) using these newfangled angle-edged chappies.     i do know exactly what happens if i am without chappy for 1.5 to 2 hours.  this happened at the movies twice.  oh my god i don't have any chappy.   i quickly calculated that last time i applied it.  then vowed to not eat or drink anything; no rubbing the chappy off.   also concentrated really hard about not licking my lips.  but as the chappy wore off, licking was inevitable.  i perseverated on my drying lips, started to lick them, and had a mild freak-out.   was barely able to realize the movie was on in front of me.  it's a bit of a crisis to be without chappy.

• walking to work and seeing a gross piece of garbage on the road.  i try to keep walking.   i don't want to touch it, yuck.   but inevitably i go back the few steps (i don't get very far past it before my conscience forces me to turn around) and pick it up because i don't want bad karma.   bad karma is the worst.