another oldie but a goodie. excerpt from a blog i wrote to friends back in 2005 about the joys and perils of extreme parenting. we had been parenting for one year when i wrote this. one year our kids had lived with us. and we finally all did something together that was moderately enjoyable.
8/23/05
am going to play disc golf in recreational league tonight, for the first time. one of my sons and al have been trying to get me to play in a disc golf tournament for awhile now. will take the plunge tonight. i like to play for fun but not competitively. well i've never played competitively so i guess i don't know if i like it or not. maybe i can find fun in competitive play. we'll see.
we'll see. that's another of my mantras. can i go over to sophie's house? we'll see. can i have ice cream for dessert? we'll see. can we go to the beach today? we'll see. i've learned through lots and lots of trial and error to never commit to much unless i know for sure it will happen- things get sooooooo far from how i hoped they'd happen sometimes, that there is rarely a "for sure" in parenting. thus, we'll see.
vague is where it's at for my kids. i haven't heard "but you always say we'll see mom!!!!" yet so either they haven't caught on or they are comfortable with my approach. we also rarely tell them about what's happening/activities until that morning of the day they will happen. again, learned this through trial and error. when we used to tell them about things in advance, invariably one or more of them would get anxious about the event/activity and screw it up royally for themselves and/or everyone else in the family.
too many times it meant al would have to stay home with the ruiner, while i would go with the others to the activity. and for me, most of the fun lies in being with al, so we had to change our tactic. even if it was something they all love like going to camp snoopy- plots would be hatched to screw up the good times. weird huh?!
we've got some of the psychology of these kids figured out with lots more still to figure out. we spend lots of time distracting distracting distracting. keeping them busy with conversation, jokes, chores, activities, errands, puns, hugs and kisses, doing crazy silly things, etc. so they don't have time to hatch plans for destruction. that's where the exaustion comes into play for us.
but, if we let up, we'll even be more exausted because then we'll have to be reactive to tantrums and acting out, which is not a good position to be in when you're parenting. when i get into that position my chest gets tight and i have to fake cough a few times in front of my kid to cover the tension and anger and frustration i'm feeling and to give me some stall time to catch my breath and become calm. so anyway, i'm playing disc golf tonight. maybe a tournament in september. we'll see.
8/27/05
well, i had lots of fun disc golfing in league!! i was on a card with 3 others- al and 2 other guys. lucky me to get with al, because we spent about 2 -uninterrupted by kids- hours being together which hasn't happened in a LOOOOONG time. also lucky al, as i might have been a good luck charm for him since he won his first ever league that night!!!!!!!
i got 32 over, which is a terrible score by anyone's standards, majorly screwed up a few holes - got 6's and 7's- but did get a few 3's (par) too. i could have shot all 7s and i still would have had a great time because it was glorious to be able to start and finish that activity while my boys played on a different card- several baskets away from where we started, only passed them once on the course the whole night, and a pleasant "how are you shooting? oh good score!" was exchanged.
but then we kept on playing the course. there wasn't the usual complaining "bert's cheating". no "my (fill in any body part) hurts mom"-in the whiniest voice imaginable. no arguing, no tattling. no running to me like a chicken with head cut off for a hug. christ why do you need a hug every 5 minutes at 12 years old!!
amazing!!!!! what a great night. after one full year with our kids, with all the time and effort it takes to parent- we are seeing good results. our kids are healing and they are starting to treat each other as caring siblings. tiny little startings of this. we are having "a great night" here and there. so it didn't matter my score- i felt like a champion just because i could do it and have fun and not get pulled away by my kids for whatever reason. yeah!
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