mcribs

9/29/05
 
 it's been a long time since i wrote, but i only have 7 minutes before my next preschoolers come in for speech therapy so this will be quick! this is my best guess of what i was doing right now exactly one year ago-- sitting at my desk, with dark circles under my eyes, 10 pounds lighter than the month before, trying to choke down my mcrib school lunch but not being remotely hungry, stressed out to the max with thoughts about what happened in our home the night before and what we can do to prevent it from happening tonight, on the phone with al trying to make a plan for that, and then receiving a phone call from one of my kid's teachers about the big problem that happened at school this morning and scheduling a meeting to come to talk with the principal about it, maybe add in a few tears shed and that is pretty close to how most  days went one year ago.

 today, i'm sitting here with my mcrib school lunch hungrily scarfing it down, with bright eyes from a full long night's sleep (was in bed and asleep by 10 pm last night), thinking about how smoothly last night's homework time went, how relatively pleasant our get up and start the day morning routine was, and now i'm spending 7 minutes of breaktime actually taking a break and writing to all of you about what a difference a year makes!!!!



11/11/05
 
there has to be some sort of nomination i can make for dad of the year for al. i'll make it right here and now... al is hereby voted dad of the year by his loving wife greta. he has incredible patience and insight for parenting our children. last year was the year of wim, this year is shaking out to be the year of roni. of course it's related to years of trauma and instability which has caused her to completely have no trust in anyone but herself (imagine that - as a 9-year-old girl - and i dare you to not start  to cry). i understand the psychology and i can discuss attachment disorder like a professional, and i will unconditionally love and care for roni for the rest of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that- plain and simple- roni is a bitch.

she could push the 2nd best parent in the world to a want to drop roni off somewhere in the middle of the night 50 miles out of nowhere, without a flashlight, and not care if she could find her way back home.

but she can not do it to the first best parent in the world- al.   al may have had a fleeting thought of doing it, but instead this is what he did last night, with our flailing, screaming, agitated almost to the point of no return, daughter. while i tucked in our boys (which is a 60-minute process and we are sure is one of the golden keys to our success in parenting this motley crew of kids we've decided to parent, i will touch on our tuck-ins in another posting some day) al had the angry-at-the-world roni bundle up, get her shoes on, and go with him in the honda.

drove her out 10 miles to a spot on the luce line, a beautiful trail going through our town. he walked with her on that trail for a few miles, for over an hour.   talking with her about - i don't even know many details. i do know that she decided in the end to disclose to him that she does not trust us.

then they got down on their knees face-to-face, in mostly darkness, dimly lit only by a farmer's combine's lights off in the distance, and roni sincerely (which is very hard to come by when roni's involved) pledged to al to be his daughter forever. he pledged to roni that he would forever be her dad. as they walked back to the honda (another mile) with her fists she threw her past into the ditch over and over again, verbalizing what she was doing.

when the two of them walked in the house i was standing in the kitchen. roni walked in first. her face was a face i have never seen before in 15 months of knowing her. she looked genuinely happy.

i said "you're smiling."   she said with utter sincerity and while looking right into my eyes (which is also a rarity) "i'm ready to become a member of this family. i am going to try really hard to honor, love, and respect my mom and my dad and my brothers too. i threw away the bad stuff from my past into the ditch."

 i said "welcome to the family." the 3 of us spent the next hour talking, hugging, looking at the newspaper, and eating chicken noodle soup. she sat on my lap with her legs wrapped around my waist and hugged me, for the first time, because she usually also sort of physically pushes herself away from me at the same time while hugging me, she was really just hugging me.

 then al took her up to bed to get her tucked under the covers. when al woke her up this morning, the first thing she said to him was "i threw away my past last night dad. even if i don't have privileges right now i can still have a happy attitude".

it is such a real change in her for the first time. al helped her to experience one night of real trust in another person. i could see it in her face, she was relieved of the burden of only trusting herself. it might only last a few days, or just today even. we know she will revert back to being the untrusting, lying, manipulating, hurtful bitch our family knows and loves. al and i aren't delusional- we know it may take many many many years before she truly trusts us consistently, before she really believes we won't let her down. but she got to feel it for a night. and we will get her to feel it again another day. and then she'll catch trust fever, and then it will be the year of bert i suppose. i don't know who will be next. i just hope the keep taking turns.