down below the line is my facebook status on my birthday before i retired for the night as a newly 40 year old woman. i adore writing for many reasons, but primarily because it helps me figure things out. the way it works for me is this: i just sit down and start writing and it flows. i don't pre-plan, outline, or think about the details of what i want to write ahead of time. i sit down and my fingers start pressing keys and before i know it i've discovered something fucking profound about myself.
like on my birthday night. as i typed the words you'll read below "...when i start the next big challenge in my life that you might not relate to but you still support me by reading" it hit me. in that very next moment i realized that running the marathon was not my first big challenge i took on in my life! my life has been filled with taking big risky challenges head on. but before that moment on the evening of january 8 2014, i thought of myself, and described myself to others, as an unadventurous person that likes the status quo, doesn't like to take chances, likes routines and lacks spontaneity. i didn't say it with disdain about myself. it was just the facts jack.
well that just ain't the truth! i've not really known myself until last night... until writing that status. my track record tells a different story. realizing the huge challenges i've taken on all my life -- with gusto-- makes me see myself in a different, brighter, and more awesome light than i have ever viewed myself in before. previously, i only understood "being adventurous" to mean traveling the world, getting naked and posing for an artist, or jumping off cliffs into a lake. but all my life, i've been being adventurous, taking chances, breaking out of my routine, i've just been mixing it with thought, organization, and seeking support along the way. being cognizant of the planful way i do things -- negated the idea of adventure for me. no more.
i am leaps closer to understanding myself and i love myself even more as i made these realizations. getting older is truly a gift of wisdom and i want to let this wash over me.
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i would love to get to "liking" all these totally tubular birthday greetings but i am so exhausted i can barely keep the finger tips a typing. instead, i am LOVING them all in spirit and reading each and every one. thank you for taking the time to make my day great!
we played 7 or 8 games of volleyball and came out in second place in our fall league tonight. a crushing defeat, that even made me poo-poo going out for birthday drinks after, i am so sad we aren't the champions! my body is really wiped out, really really wiped out. dare i say, feeling 40?! oh yes, i am!
i am feeling like a 40 year old bad ass who works full time, parents full time, loves myself full time, is a great wife and friend full time! my muscles and body are achy and sore from lifting heavy, boxing, squatting like there's no tomorrow, and running and these are the things i choose to do, CHOOSE to do! never in my wildest did i think my free time would be spent this way, but i'm like a hog in shit for sure.
i am so grateful for each of you that doesn't hide or block me and sticks with me when i start the next big challenge in my life that you might not relate to but you still support me by reading. i realize now that my life has always been about taking on huge challenges: alan , adopting 3 older kids at once, running a marathon, going to college for 6 years, teaching preschoolers, writing about my life openly, loving myself. go big or go home.
well i think it's more like: i'm at home with myself, so i can dare to dream big. AND, i have all of you to lift me up and cheer me on, and namely Alan who makes my world spin round in the right direction but keeps me off kilter just enough to make it fresh and inviting every day to be with him.
all in all, in my life at 40 candles, i'm who i want to be. and that is my greatest accomplishment of all.
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