Move for your Moxie
Motivational Guest Speaker: Greta!
1/19/14
Part One
I'm just an average woman who has figured out how to stay driven and motivated past the 'New Years Resolution" excitement.
My life is as busy as yours, as chaotic as yours. I have kids, am married, have a 50-hour a week job, great friends, and no background in making resolutions and keeping them. I have considered losing weight in the past, but didn't ever hit the point where I was so concerned I would do anything about it. Hitting rock bottom hadn't happened to me.
I just kept on eating and not moving. I just kept on having mild disgust with myself when I got dressed, undressed, showered, or had sex. Every time I buttoned my pants a twinge of guilt about my inactivity and a little bit of hatred for my body crept up into the foreground of my thinking. But I would get busy with one of my kids or busy making supper or busy at work or busy busy busy and knew I didn't have time to do anything about it so those thoughts would slink back into the background.
But really, those thoughts of disgust, guilt, and hatred for myself were ever present, I was just at different degrees of awareness of them depending upon my situation at the time.
This is no way to live. I wasn't living, I was taking care of everyone. I was taking care of my family, taking care of my students at work, taking care of my colleagues, taking care of everyone and everything but myself. I just didn't realize it. I was sad, but didn't realize it. I didn't have any way to measure my own worth beside through others- my kids, my husband, my students, my colleagues. I did right by them so I was a good mom, a good wife, a good speech therapist, a good co-worker. Anyone would say that about me, that I was good at all those things.
But I also never defined myself by my motherhood or my marriage or my job. If I had allowed myself to be defined by being a mom, I wouldn't have been conflicted. If I was defined by my job, I would have been fulfilled already. So I was really good at all of these aspects of my life but not defined by them. So what the hell was I defined by? NOTHING? But the only things I could come up with that weren't involving other people were reading People magazine and liking my alone time. That is nothing. And that is scary.
I was on the verge of making some important decisions in my life so I could start living too. Having nothing of my own plus having disgust, guilt, and hatred for myself was me nearly hitting rock bottom. A few things happened to push me over the edge and plummet to rock bottom. My older sister, who isn't athletic and isn't fitness oriented, started going to a gym regularly. This was shocking in itself, the gym-going, but her body transformation was noteworthy and I was in awe of how her shape changed. I don't even know if she lost any weight, but I certainly noticed she was tight and muscled and she looked sexy as hell. I was ecstatic for my sister! Her whole demeanor seemed to change too, her confidence soared and she was dressing differently too. While I was happy for her, it spurred my disgust for myself. Here I was, the former athlete sister, all lumpy and dowdy and blah. That was final straw #1. If she can do it, I can do it. I am ever grateful to her.
The actual final straw was a trip I took to Jamaica with a friend. When I saw the pictures from the trip I cried. This woman was not me. This woman was covering me. I could not crop the pictures enough to fashion a decent angle where I didn't look huge. I was finally seeing myself. I had become heavy. I was unhappy and uncomfortable. I was so damn uncomfortable, literally. My clothes were too tight, binding. I had just been out shopping for the next size up of work khakis. Fuck. How many sizes up was I going to go? I was done going up. I hated myself. I had nothing. Rock bottom.
I made some clear decisions on January 1, 2012. You could say I was finally defined by something: my decision making!
- I made a clear decision to change physically and mentally.
- I made a clear decision that I am important too. I decided that my goals and my health and my happiness are important too.
- I made a clear decision that I would be defined by my actions.
- I made a clear decision to set goals and achieve them.
I dubbed 2012 "My Year". I have eagerly and successfully been living ever since.
I sat down on January 1, 2012 and wrote down my resolutions. I had never written them down before, and consequently had never kept one longer than about a week. But, two years and going strong!
I am a structured person. I take big risks, but chart out the steps needed for success. I dream big, but make a plan to achieve my goals. I'm not a willy nilly type of person. I loved the process of getting healthy: the research, the organization, the learning. I just kept figuring things out for myself, what to do, when to do it. I didn't realize it then, but now I know that I used specific tools in my quest for weight loss and fitness. Over the last few weeks, when I was deciding what to talk to you about, I kept making notes about how I did it, how I lost weight, how I became active, how I didn't quit. What makes me different from someone else who decides to get healthy but quits on it? Why am I still moving forward?
When I looked at my notes I could group them into tools, actions, and feelings. Then I looked at my groupings and I thought: there it is, that is how I did it. Perhaps it's duplicable for someone with similar personality. Perhaps it's a toolbox full of gold that someone else could open up and spend lavishly on their own health. Perhaps it's a bunch of tools that helped me but are bunk to you. No matter, here they are!
Part Two
i'm too tired. stay tuned!
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